When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Incredible customer service.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time