How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
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*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Owl Sanctuary
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.