surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.