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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
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My support group can outdrink your support group.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.