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My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*