My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Spell check is for lasers.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Hey i am sexy to you now
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister