Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose