At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Wake me when AI does housework
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.