“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.