Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Received some very disappointing news today
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.