My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
You Might Also Like
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Who chose this font
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person: