Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Best spot.. 😅
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
The days of good grammer has went
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Get off my horse you stupid moon