“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.