Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
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Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.