Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
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*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
(True)
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters