BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
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Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
This January has 47 Mondays
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Simple enough.