I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?