Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
You Might Also Like
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Feels like the fourth month in January
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Tremendous stuff
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.