FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
#Caturday
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.