Halloween cuteness.. π
π₯ IG: mr.smokey21
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A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait β¦
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
eating all the chips in my house so that I wonβt be tempted to eat all the chips
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
When your teen is already bigger than you areβ¦
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Iβm tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.