There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.