Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now