PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You Might Also Like
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me trying to “trust the process”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.