Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
You Might Also Like
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”