yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.