7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
#catsoftwitter
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.