My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake