Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
The news is so predictable nowadays
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?