[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.