[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces