[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
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THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
i meant to share this earlier
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I’ve had worse
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence