Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.