[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer