“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
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STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.