Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
You Might Also Like
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I can’t stop laughing at this
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.