I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
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Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??