my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
How can I say no to this ?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank