henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
why no one uses midhusbands
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.