The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
nothing saves money like being antisocial
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”