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No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
(Musicians.)
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…