Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.