GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
You Might Also Like
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.