Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
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candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?