*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”