Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
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Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.