There is no “ea” in Tim.
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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.