{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
my sentiments exactly
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*