[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
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Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries