son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
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She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Wasps: bees, but not helping
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun