I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit